Letting go
by insipidity
Summary: Sequel fic to my first Boroh fic, Guilt. I recommend you read Guilt before you start this. Bolin/Iroh. Bolin and Iroh meet again after many years. Do they still have feelings for each other, and if yes, can Iroh get over his past mistakes?
1. Chapter 1

**Letting go**

Iroh woke up to someone slapping him on his cheeks. He immediately felt a searing pain on his side. He winced and instinctively grabbed his side. It was a mistake, as the pain got worse and he cringed. "He's alive!" Someone shouted. Someone familiar.

"Korra?" He asked, unsure whether to believe his ears. He realized he had yet to open his eyes, and when he did, his eyes were greeted by those of Korra.

"You gave us a scare there. Here, drink this and I'll try to heal you." Korra helped him up and shoved a water bottle in his hand.

"'Us'? What are you even doing in the Earth Kingdom?" Iroh asked before taking a sip. "Last I heard you were staying put in Republic City." He hadn't seen the Avatar since...well, since he last left Republic City, and that had been years ago. He drank some more, and Korra took the remaining water to heal him. Iroh closed his eyes to enjoy Korra's healing touch. His side still hurt, but the pain was subsiding.

"I was invited to greet the new king, as the old one died. I assume that's where you were going as well?"

Iroh nodded. When Korra was finished with him, he could finally concentrate on what was happening around him. He took a look at his surroundings. Korra had brought with him a tall man who was facing the other way and reading a map. He had a long brown cape so Iroh couldn't see who it was. Korra also had her White Lotus sentries with her, their attire distinctly different from the man with a map. Iroh didn't see his own men anywhere.

"Where are my men?"

"What do you remember?"

"Not much, we were headed to Ba Sing Se and then we were attacked by road bandits. Did you see them?"

"Your men are alright. Those bandits were counting on your men to panic when they took you out, but to their surprise, your men fought them off and are trailing them right now."

Iroh smiled. He had taught his men well, and he was proud of each and everyone of them. "So I'm the only one who's injured? How embarrassing for me." He laughed.

Korra gave him a sympathetic smile and helped him up. "Your men will join us later, so if you are up to it, we can just start walking."

Iroh took a few steps to test his condition. "I think I can manage."

He walked up to the Lotus sentries and introduced himself to the small group. He then saw that the man who had been gazing at the map had walked up to Korra and was showing her something on the map. He figured he'd introduce himself to him as well. When he got closer to him, he realized that the man wasn't as tall as he had initially thought, taller than Korra but slightly shorter than Iroh. When he reached him, the man stopped talking to Korra and tilted his head slightly in Iroh's direction. The man was more than attractive, he was beautiful and yet very muscular and manly at the same time. Iroh offered him his hand. "Hey, it's nice to meet you. I'm Iroh from the Fire Nation."

Just as he was shaking the man's hand, Iroh noticed that Korra was looking at him with a horrified expression on her face and tried to signal him something. Iroh was confused as to why that was, and turned his attention back to the man, who was now staring at him with a very peculiar expression. He opened his mouth to speak, but he then seemed to give up. He turned in his tracks and signaled something to the sentries, who all started walking towards Ba Sing Se. The man walked over to them to join their queue.

Iroh looked at Korra. "Did I do something wrong?"

Korra facepalmed. "You have already met."

"Oh." Iroh's time in Republic City had been so concentrated on Bolin that apart from his own men and team Avatar, he didn't even remember anyone by name.

Korra was about to add something, but Iroh assumed she simply wanted him to apologize to the man whose name he had forgotten. "Already on it!" He rushed up to the man. He settled to the man's pace and started walking beside him. He pushed the man with his shoulder in a friendly manner. "Look, I'm sorry I don't remember you. You have a very striking look, so I am sure I should remember you, but I really don't." He realized he had just complimented the man on his appearance. _I should really stop talking now_, he thought to himself.

"It's alright. I didn't look like this when we met." The man replied coldly.

"Oh. Well I'm still sorry." Iroh didn't know why, but he felt nervous. Something about the man made him feel anxious, even though he didn't remember ever meeting him.

"Back then, why did you leave Republic City, anyway?" The man gave a crooked smile, but kept his eyes on the road ahead of them as they walked. His tone was neutral, but Iroh sensed that there was something behind the seemingly harmless question.

"Oh, it just felt like it was the time to leave. I never stay too long in the same place." Iroh raised his arms behind his head. He had perfected the lie over the years. He almost believed it himself now.

"Really? I heard it was because you were messing around with some street kid and the town officials didn't take too kindly to it." The man still kept his tone light, friendly even, but Iroh was now certain that he was being mocked.

Iroh clenched his jaw. His past mistakes involving Bolin were still a touchy subject to him, and he definitely didn't appreciate the fact that they seemed to be common knowledge now. He only hoped Bolin had been able to move on even with people knowing about him and Iroh. "Yes, well, you shouldn't believe everything people say." The man fell silent, and for a moment, Iroh thought he had succeeded in convincing the man to drop the subject. Unfortunately for him, he had not.

"The name of the kid escapes me, though. I never saw a more pitiful creature than him when you left him. He wailed on those steps for _hours_. The sound of that crying...why, you could break a man's heart with that. It was your men who eventually took him home, did you know that?" The man finally looked at him and flashed him a condescending smile. He was clearly challenging Iroh, baiting him to respond. He was purposefully trying to hurt him, and Iroh was quickly losing his patience. "Stop it."

The man ignored him and continued, staring once again at the road. "Pathetic boy, that one. He stayed in bed for a month and didn't eat anything, all because his poor general grew tired of him and left. After all..." he stopped walking to face Iroh, "...the general had already had his way with him once. Why would he need to stick around for seconds?"

Iroh lost it. He grabbed the man by his cape. "Don't talk about him that way!" He raised his hand to punch the man, but the man was quicker. His fist landed in Iroh's cheek and the impact caused Iroh to fall on his back. The wound on his side started bleeding again, but he didn't have time to worry about it. He got up again.

"Talk about _who_ that way?" The man asked mockingly.

Iroh formed a fireball in his hands. "Don't talk about Bolin that way!" He blasted the fire towards the man, but the man quickly Earthbent the ground to form a protective barrier between himself and Iroh. Once the fire vanished, he sent the barrier towards Iroh, who prepared himself for the impact when Korra stepped in. She Earthbent the barrier back into the ground. "That's enough, Bolin." She shook her finger at the man, pretending to scold him. She then flashed him a wide smile. The man broke into a wide grin as well. It was the first real smile Iroh had seen him display. Actually, the grin reminded him of someone. He then realized what Korra had just said.

"Bolin?" Iroh asked. He couldn't believe his eyes. Bolin tilted his head towards him and gave him a smug smile. "General."

Iroh grasped for words, but they simply wouldn't come.

"Come on you two, you can catch up once we're at Ba Sing Se", Korra said and pushed Iroh ahead. Iroh realized that the sentries had stopped to watch their fight. They needed to hurry if they were to make it to the coronation in time.

Iroh walked in a daze. Bolin had grown up. He had definitely been a kid when Iroh last saw him. He was taller, or at least he seemed to be. Maybe it was just the confident way he was standing that gave Iroh that impression. His body had changed, and even his face looked completely different from before. In Republic City his face had been all cuteness due to baby fat. Now his face was more round. He was a very attractive sight. Iroh sighed. He shouldn't have been thinking things like that.

He had often thought of Bolin after he had left Republic City. He had stopped himself from writing to the boy many times. He had then thought about writing to Korra, just to make sure Bolin was doing alright. He hadn't done that either, as he was afraid Korra would tell Bolin about the letter. So he had worried. He had imagined Bolin's reaction to him leaving. In some scenarios, Bolin got over him quickly and started dating some nameless kid soon after he left. In others, he had ruined Bolin's life and trust in relationships, and the boy would do something stupid like hurt himself. He secretly glanced at Bolin, who was walking ahead of him. It was at least good to know that Bolin was alive. But the way he had taunted Iroh back there...what kind of a person had he grown up to be? Iroh had never known Bolin to be cruel. Had he hurt him enough to change his personality completely?

In Ba Sing Se, they were greeted like royalty. Korra was given her own quarters for her stay, as she was the Avatar and also the only woman travelling with them. Bolin and the Lotus sentries were given one room and another one was given to Iroh and his men, who had only joined them at the gates to the city. The guide was apologetic about the lack of space. She told them that everyone who was anyone was invited to the coronation, so there literally wasn't any more rooms that they could spare. Iroh and the captain of the sentries together assured the guide that they were more than used to sleeping in confined spaces. The guide bowed and left. Iroh and the sentries settled their things in their rooms. Iroh decided that this was as good a moment as any to talk to Bolin. He wasn't sure what he wanted out of the man, but he felt he needed to at least try to clear the air between them.

He found Bolin in the hall. "Would you like to talk?" He asked Bolin bluntly. Bolin gave him a faint smile. "Sure."


	2. Chapter 2

**Letting go**

**Chapter 2**

A few floors down, they found themselves a nice quiet spot on a large balcony. Bolin leaned his back on a pillar, and crossed his arms. "So. What do you want to talk about?"

Iroh sat down on the floor. The wound on his side ached. He had been so surprised by Bolin's sudden appearance that he had forgotten to ask Korra to treat the wound again. The pain was greater than before, but he forced a casual smile on his face. He waved his hand to Bolin. "Well, for example what your show back there was all about."

"Don't think for a second that you didn't deserve that", Bolin said and chuckled. "You should've seen your face."

"So was it true?" Iroh waved his hand towards Bolin. "Did my men really have to peel you off those steps and drag you home?"

Bolin's smile faded. "Yes. And I really did spend a month in bed after that."

"I'm sorry. I know it seems like very little but I don't know what else to say."

"It wasn't your fault I got too attached to you."Bolin tilted his head to the side. "I think a big part of my act before was targeted at myself. I should've been stronger."

Iroh gave him a sympathetic smile. "It's not weakness to fall in love."

Bolin didn't argue with his statement, but he didn't seem entirely convinced either.

"So, how have you been? Broke a lot of hearts since then?" Iroh tried to sound cheerful, but failed miserably.

"Every once in a while, I meet someone I really like..."

"That's nice", Iroh said. He was utterly failing at sounding supportive.

"...and when I tell them how I feel, they tell me they'd rather be with someone else or that they simply don't like me that way", Bolin finished. Iroh didn't like his self-pitying smile one bit.

"All of them?"

"Well, since you left there's been...four? Four, yeah, and they all turned me down."

Iroh couldn't see why anyone would turn Bolin down, but he didn't say it out loud since he figured it wouldn't cheer Bolin up one bit.

"So you haven't dated at all since I left?" Iroh asked, feeling like the worst person ever. He really had screwed Bolin up.

"Well, I did go out with this one person for a while. He was also a pro-bender. It wasn't really about romance or that we actually liked each other, you see. But he was kind to me, and he was very good at the...how should I put it? Bed activities?" Bolin gave him a shy smile. Perhaps he was unsure whether it was a good idea to talk to Iroh about his experiences, given their history together.

Iroh blushed. "Oh." He shifted his position. "Shouldn't you have waited for someone who really loved you to come around?"

Bolin smirked. "Someone like you?"

Iroh cleared his throat. "No, I..."

Bolin shook his head to signal to him that he didn't need to explain himself. "When you left, I did wait for you. That was the month I spent in bed. Then I realized I had been waiting all my life. For my life to get better. For me and my brother to stop being so poor. For people to start caring about me. I just...I just decided that I had waited enough. So, I started doing things that made _me_ happy. Maybe it wasn't ideal, but it was what I wanted for myself."

Iroh couldn't say anything to that. Bolin shook his head. "Please don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you pity me. Like you're guilty for me not getting my fairytale ending." Bolin stopped leaning on the pillar behind him and assumed a more typical Earthbender position that Iroh recognized from his travels in the Earth Kingdom. He started practicing pro-bending moves with imaginary disks.

"Am I not?" Iroh ran his fingers through his hair and found dirt. He would have to take a bath later. "I know first hand what a monster can do to someone so young."

Bolin stopped in his tracks and threw his arms in the air. He looked extremely frustrated. "You are not a monster. Why would you even say that?"

"I know what I am." The pain was starting to get the best of Iroh, and he couldn't concentrate anymore. He just needed to convince Bolin once and for all of the fact that he wasn't the ideal general everyone made him out to be. That he was the one who had been in the wrong, not Bolin. Maybe then he could...

"So you didn't love me after all?" Bolin's tone sounded angry all of a sudden.

"I did."

"But not as much as the army? Had you stayed with me, they wouldn't have let you back. You seemed more than happy to ditch me to save your career!" Bolin's shouting sounded wrong. So wrong that Iroh couldn't help but snap as well.

"That's because THERE IS NO ME WITHOUT THE ARMY!"

Bolin's mouth opened but nothing came out. Iroh realized how loud he had been. He tried again, using a more apologetic tone of voice. "My whole life, I've tried to be a good soldier. I've done everything that was asked of me, I've risked my life countless times for my nation. Whenever there was something that could've harmed my career, I got rid of it. Yes. Sometimes it was lonely. But my goal was more important."

"I was just an obstacle for you?"

Iroh saw Bolin's expression turn into that of disbelief. Even though his side hurt, he got up. The pain stopped him from thinking clearly. Was he supposed comfort Bolin? Fuel his anger at him? He couldn't remember anymore.

"Bolin-", he started. He then lost consciousness.

Bolin was just about to storm off when Iroh uttered his name and fell. Bolin rushed to him and examined his body. He felt a damp spot on Iroh's side and realized it was blood. "Iroh, you idiot."

He carried the unconscious man up the stairs. To Bolin's relief, he realized he was now strong enough to carry the man with ease. The stairs proved to be a challenge, but Bolin figured it would be good exercise to him.

Iroh woke up to Korra smiling at him. "You know, I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm starting to miss the days when I woke up and you weren't there."

"Especially when me being there always means that you have a nasty cut on your side", Korra agreed and patted him on the shoulder.

Iroh looked around him. He realized he was in a large white room. He was lying on a bed that twelve of his men could've fit on. "Is this your room? Cozy." His hand went to his side to feel out the wound, but it wasn't there. "Your healing's gotten much better in these past few years. Thank you."

"Well, actually you were just out for so long that I had plenty of time to work on you. You should thank Bolin, too, he's the one who carried you here."

Iroh closed his eyes. "I just can't do right by him, can I?"

"No, so you should stop trying."

"I left. I thought that was enough. But now I hear he was a wreck afterwards."

"Oh yes." Korra crossed her arms behind her head. "Right after you left...that was not a good time for him. Mako came this close to going after you himself and bringing you back, just so Bolin would eat something."

"Mako? I thought he hated my guts. In fact, I'm positive he hates my guts."

"He does. But you don't know the state Bolin was in back then. I was scared. We were all scared. And then one day he just got better. Got up and started functioning again. Maybe even better than before."

Iroh opened his eyes. "Better?"

Korra placed her hands on her lap and stared at them. "Yeah, well, Bolin was always kind to everyone and he was the best friend you'd ever meet. At the same time, though, I feel like he was, at least sometimes, pretending to be happy when he really wasn't. After you left, he became a more honest version of himself. He was still like he'd always been, nice and helpful, but he became... more adept at speaking out when he felt something was wrong. Thanks to that, I feel like we got to be much better friends, he and I."

"It's good at least something good came out of that fiasco."

"You know, this gloomy brooding guy act of yours is getting tiresome."

Iroh smiled. "It's easy for you to say."

Korra gave him a wry smile. "Maybe it is. But for both you and Bolin's sake, you need to figure out what you want with him. Because if you hurt him again..." Korra leaned in to point her finger at Iroh's eye "... you'll have the Avatar coming after you." She got up and walked to the door. "You better get some rest, the festivities will start in the evening." When she saw Iroh's confused expression, she added: "It's morning now, so you have plenty of time. Bolin said he'd bring you breakfast, so you better think fast."


	3. Chapter 3

**Letting go**

**Chapter 3**

Bolin entered the room soon after Korra had left. He was carrying a large tray with many different bowls and plates on it. "Scooch over, will you?" Bolin said as he gently pushed Iroh. Iroh carefully moved to make room for Bolin and the tray. Bolin seemed calm and flashed him a wide grin as he offered Iroh a plate with a foamy cake on it. He didn't seem mad at Iroh at all, despite how their earlier discussion had went before Iroh had passed out. Iroh was finally starting to see similarities between old Bolin and this new one. The grin was still the same, and the eyes...they still had a certain warmth to them, assuring the person looking into them that everything would be alright. Unfortunately not many people had really looked into Bolin's eyes and seen that.

"You should eat to recover your strength", Bolin said and handed him a spoon. Iroh was going to point out to Bolin that he was not used to eating desserts and didn't much care for them, but as he saw the look on Bolin's face when he suggested different cakes and chocolate treats for Iroh to eat, he realized that being raised an orphan, Bolin had probably never even had the opportunity to taste anything like that before, let alone grow sick of them. He cut a piece of his cake with his spoon and put it in his mouth. The foam was apparently made of white chocolate. Iroh quite enjoyed the taste, and at Bolin's urging, he obediently finished the cake. He watched as Bolin ate small chocolatey looking things and then moved onto cakes and pastries. It was as if he was afraid the food would be taken away and he needed to swallow as much as possible before that. Iroh noticed that there was also some healthy food on the tray and grabbed the first fruit he saw. They ate in silence. Iroh knew they would have to talk eventually, but at least they could have this moment before Iroh would have to leave. For good.

When he was sure Iroh wasn't looking, Bolin glanced at the man next to him. Iroh hadn't changed much in appearance, but he looked even more serious than before, if possible. Bolin smiled. He had tried to move on, and considering all the things Iroh had said to him, he definitely should have. Still, Bolin couldn't let go of the hope he had of things somehow working out in the end. There was something about the general that made him melt. Even after the awful things Iroh had said to him...It wasn't just that he was charming or good looking, but he had taken an interest in Bolin. He had really made Bolin believe that there could be someone who would love him. Just him. And yet...every time Bolin got his hopes up, Iroh seemed to remember that Bolin was too young and because of that, they couldn't be together. Bolin had disagreed with him back then. After Bolin had started working with street kids, though, he had come to realize that Iroh had been right. Bolin had fallen like a kid, and he hadn't been mature enough to actually get into a relationship with a man who had a sense of direction in his life. The past few years had taught him many things, though, and despite not actually getting around to dating himself, the kids he had helped had taught him a thing or two about how things could go wrong when dating someone. Bolin was now more comfortable with his strengths and weaknesses, and he was confident he was now mature enough for Iroh. What he wasn't sure about was whether the man still cared for him. After all, they had spent a few months together many years ago. Iroh was unforgettable for him because he had been his first, but perhaps Iroh had moved on. Bolin hadn't even bothered to ask whether Iroh was dating someone new now. Maybe he had a family. Iroh was definitely old enough to have one, and being the grandson of the former Fire Lord and the son of the current one, marriage was probably expected of him.

"Are you married?" The words escaped Bolin's lips before he could stop himself. What was it I was saying about being mature now?

Iroh stopped eating the fruit he was holding. His eyes were wide. "No. Can't say I do."

"I mean more like a family. Do you have kids?" Once he had started, Bolin wanted to cover every possible situation just so there wouldn't be any surprises.

Iroh smiled. "No. Just my men." He started eating the fruit again.

"Are you intimate with any of them?" Bolin asked, leading Iroh to nearly choke.

"No! Why are you asking me these things?" Iroh looked incredulous. He didn't seem to suspect that Bolin would have an ulterior motive. Bolin would have to be more blunt with him. He sighed. The general could be so dense sometimes.

"Just wondering if you're single, 's all." Bolin pretended to look casual, but inside he was excited to hear the answer.

"Yes, I am. But Bolin, it doesn't mean-", Iroh started but Bolin stopped him by raising his hand.

"Do you still love me?" The conversation wasn't going as Bolin as had planned. In his head, he was going to dazzle Iroh with his maturity and Iroh would apologize for his earlier behavior. Then they would go to reception and everybody would congratulate them. However, as Bolin had cracked and acted like his usual self when it came to love, it was too late to act cool, so Bolin decided to go with his natural asset: honesty. "I still love you."

Iroh gave him a sympathetic smile. "I think it's time we have a talk, you and I."

"I hate that condescending smile. You always look at me like that when you think I'm too much of a child for you." Bolin was frustrated again. Whenever Iroh flashed him that smile, he knew he would get nowhere with him.

Iroh moved the tray to their side and then assumed a comfortable position in front of Bolin. They were now facing each other. Iroh looked him in the eyes with an undecipherable expression on his face. This made Bolin nervous and he averted his gaze. He wasn't sure what to feel. He had been so hopeful before, but now all he could do was remember their fight from the night before. Suddenly, Iroh grabbed his hands and Bolin looked up. Iroh leaned forward. "I'm sorry."

"You said that before. We kiss, you're sorry. You leave, you're sorry. You tell me I'm only a hindrance to your career, you're sorry. That word doesn't seem to mean much to you." Bolin didn't want to sound so bitter, but he was just so tired of hearing Iroh's apologies.

"I know that. I'm sorry for that too. During our whole relationship, it seems, I've been pushing you away and pulling you back at the same time. It hasn't been fair to you, and I am deeply sorry."

Bolin smiled. "I appreciate that."

Iroh grew serious. He also let go of Bolin's hands. "I'm going to tell you a story. After you've heard the story, I hope you understand why I can't be with you. Not ever." Bolin tried to touch his face, but Iroh gently pushed the hand he had offered away. "No. There will be no mixed messages. I am not leaving you and then telling you I love you like last time. This time I'm only telling you that we can't be, and why that is."

Bolin realized he was still holding out the hand he had tried to place on Iroh's cheek, so he placed it in his lap. "Go on then. Tell me."

Iroh took a deep breath. "When I was young, just a small child, my favorite game was to pretend me and my friends were the team Avatar. After a while, though, I realized that the closest thing real life had to that was the army. None of the adventure and fun, sure, but there would definitely be people I could call my friends. So I decided to join the army. Only later I realized that exact thing was something my family had expected of me. So it all worked out, right?"

Bolin suspected the story would get worse before it would get better, so he waited patiently for Iroh to continue.

"I trained for my bright future every day. I wasn't even sure what was driving me, I just wanted to be good." Iroh's voice grew smaller with each sentence. Bolin felt a knot in his stomach. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the story anymore, but at the same time he felt this was something Iroh needed to tell him.

Iroh continued, his voice merely a whisper now: "When I was...17? Maybe. A bit older than you were when we first met. I...I fell in love. He, uh, he was a general back then. Older than me, I was just starting out. He was always so sure of himself and knew what to do. I suppose he was good looking as well, but most important, I think, was the air about him. He knew what he wanted and he took it. I...I guess that was one of the problems."

Bolin felt a twinge of jealousy. It was to be expected, Iroh having had others before him, considering his age and social status, but he still didn't like the idea one bit. Especially since Iroh didn't look or sound like his usual self at all. He was shaking, and his gaze was fixed, as if in a trance. Bolin's first instinct was to hold the man, but he was afraid to.

"I confessed to him that I loved him. He, uh, didn't say it back, but he invited me to his room. It was like 'our little secret'." Bolin realized that the emphasized words were something the man had told Iroh back then. He also noticed that he had grabbed one of the large pillows and was now holding onto it for safety. It was as if Iroh was telling him a ghost story, even though it was morning and the story was actually Iroh's own.

"I told him everything I liked about him, but he didn't really care to listen, so he stopped me. He came close to me and put his hands on me. It was like a dream come true. I loved him, and he was holding me in his arms." Iroh's gaze was still fixed on something Bolin couldn't see. He wanted to shake the man, but he knew the story wasn't over. Not yet.

"He took off my coat...then he bit me. It surprised me. Even though I felt blood on my neck, it didn't so much hurt as it did shock me. And then...it started."

Bolin raised his hand to his neck. To his horror, he realized that what the man had done to Iroh, Iroh had done to him.

"It was...painful. Not only because I had never done it before and he didn't bother to prepare me properly. It was because he, uh, um", he mumbled. Bolin finally dared to place a hand on his knee. It seemed to help, as Iroh gathered himself and continued. "...he liked it rough, you see. Not just rough like what is usually means, b-but he liked to torture me. It lasted for what felt like forever, and when he was done, I was bruised and bleeding all over. I passed out from the pain. The next morning he was already gone when I came to, and I discreetly made my way back to the place I was staying at. I never told a soul. And I guess neither did he, as nobody ever mentioned it to me." Iroh's eyes met Bolin's, and Bolin realized he had been listening with his mouth open from the horror he felt. Iroh gave him a faint smile. "So, you see, I know all about the power. The sheer power your first love can have on you. Even after years have passed. I was simply too weak to resist it."

Bolin moved his hand from Iroh's knee to his cheek. He placed his other hand on Iroh's other cheek as well, so he could force Iroh to look at him. "Hey...You said it yourself, it's not weakness to fall in love. And there was no way you could have known he would treat you that way."

Even with mere inches between them, Iroh couldn't bare to look at him. He had tears in his eyes, when he whispered: "Maybe not the first time."

Bolin let his hands drop as the terrible realization hit him. Iroh buried his face in his hands and started weeping.


	4. Chapter 4

**Letting go**

**Chapter 4**

Bolin felt he was supposed to comfort Iroh. Of course he should. Bolin had simply been so surprised by his confession and the reaction that had followed it that he hadn't known exactly how to do that. Of course he could have simply hugged Iroh, which was his first instinct, but Iroh didn't look like he could stand to be touched at the moment. For the first time in the time they had known each other, Bolin was genuinely scared for him. Iroh was still in the same position he had been in when he had first started weeping. Bolin couldn't see his face as Iroh had covered it with his hands.

"What happened next?" Bolin asked before he could stop himself. He feared speaking had been a mistake, but Iroh quickly gathered himself, stood up and looked at Bolin as if nothing had happened.

"We continued our...arrangement for quite a while. I got used to the pain, and I...even kind of started to like it", Iroh said, his tone neutral, as if he was describing a military operation. "I felt that, in a way, and even though he never said anything of the sort, that he did care for me. Why else would he have taken so much time...handling me? I guess anyone else would call it torment, but I thought this was simply his way of showing endearment."

Bolin listened. He didn't want to, but Iroh needed to speak, and he figured that after all this time, maybe he needed to hear what he had to say.

"One night, though, he went too far. I passed out, just like the first time. I woke up with a cracked collarbone. He always took such _care_ with my neck, you see." Iroh grew quiet for a moment, then continued his story. "Well, anyway. I was supposed to be on duty that morning, but with the condition I was in I of course couldn't perform, and I got in trouble with my superior. I couldn't explain to him how I had gotten hurt, so he punished me for neglecting my duties. That is why I ended it. Not because I thought I was worth more than his abuse, not because I deserved better, but because his treatment of me interfered with my career."

Bolin closed his eyes. _There is no me without the army_, Iroh had said. He was starting to understand the full extent of his words. "And then?"

"I told him it was over. He nodded. I tried to explain to him why I was ending things, but he wasn't interested. So I left. Soon after he started sleeping with another. He got caught mishandling him, and he was transferred elsewhere. They didn't want to make a big deal out of the situation. Guess I can't blame them." Iroh had a fixed gaze, as if he was watching the events take place right in front of his eyes. "I never dated again. I figured it wasn't for me. I focused on my career in the army, and I tried my best to be, well, the best."

"Who are you?" Bolin asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What makes you _you_?"

"I don't really know. What is there to know? I am a Firebender, my parents are this and that, I command the men you saw me with and I wear these clothes because that is the uniform a person in my position is expected to wear."

Bolin threw his hands in the air in frustration. "Well, I don't know. Do you like that uniform? What is your favorite color? Do you like flowers? What do you do when you are off-duty? How do you pass time? Do you read? Do you like movies? Tell me _anything_."

Iroh shrugged. "I've never really had a favorite color. As for the uniform, I don't know if I like it or if I've simply gotten so used to it. Off-duty I guess I think about the next mission and prepare myself mentally for it. If there is no next mission, I guess I go through previous missions and see what I could improve for next missions."

Bolin wasn't sure what to say. Iroh had answered exactly as he had expected him to, which worried him. "Do you like flowers?"

"Bolin, why are you asking me all these questions?

_Because I want to know whether I've been in love all these years with an image I created myself, or if it's actually you I love_, Bolin thought. He didn't say it out loud though. "No reason. Just wondering." He looked to the ground. "But don't you think it's not the best thing for you to build your life around only one thing?"

"What's wrong with that? I love the army. I'm good at being in the army. What's wrong with that?"

Bolin knew his next question could either make or break their relationship. "What do you love about the army?"

Iroh smiled and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out.

"Exactly." Bolin got up. He headed for the door. He felt like crying, but he didn't want Iroh to see him and think he was the same cry-baby he had been when Iroh had left Republic City.

"Where are you going?" Iroh didn't understand why but Bolin seemed to be upset.

"I'm going for a walk. There is still plenty of time before the party, so I'm going to get some air."

"Okay. I'll see you at the party." Iroh tried to sound cheerful, but failed.

Bolin nodded without turning back and disappeared through the door.

Iroh was left alone with his thoughts. Bolin had hit a nerve, even though Iroh hadn't wanted him to see it. "Why do I do anything?" He tried saying out loud to an empty room.

Why was he still in the army? Because that was the only thing he knew how to do? Did he really love the army? The last question was the worst one. Was it the order and discipline that appealed to him? That he always knew what to do, based on his orders or the mission protocol? Ever since he had been little, he had known he wanted to join the army when he got older. But why? Was he really nothing more than a walking uniform?

Korra checked up on Iroh later in the day, but he was so lost in his thoughts that she couldn't get anything out of him, concerning Bolin or otherwise. Bolin, on the other hand, was moping in the garden outside the palace. Korra was busy meeting every single famous person who was there to greet her before the coronation, so she didn't have the time to force them to talk it out. She also thought that the matter was really between them anyway, so if they wanted to, they would talk. If they wouldn't talk during the festivities, Korra hoped it wouldn't take them as many years as the last time to get in touch with each other.

The day was rainy but in the evening the sky cleared up and left the air damp and warm. Iroh was standing by the door, waiting for his men to arrive, as they needed to enter together. He was dressed in his best formal wear (which was really just another uniform with more decorations). He tugged his collar to make it fit better. His attitude towards parties like this was that they were just another mission, the mission here simply being more of a 'behave well, don't screw up' variety than his usual 'don't get killed' type. His behavior was always carefully scrutinized, considering his rank and who his parents were. It wasn't as if he hated these parties, but he was glad his presence wasn't required more often than once or twice a year. The parties always felt like they were tests, and there were thousands of ways to fail. Referring to someone with the wrong rank, not bowing in the right way, wearing the wrong shade of red...When he was little, his mother had taught him everything he needed to know about etiquette, but had also told him that none of that was important. However, whenever he had made a mistake in the public events his mother had taken him to, she had shaken her head and looked away. Iroh had learned from his mistakes, and he was now fairly adept at following social rules.

He happened to see Bolin wandering towards him. He was clearly lost. Iroh smiled. Bolin was wearing an Earthbender outfit. It wasn't as stylish as the outfits the other Earthbender guests were wearing, many of whom had passed Iroh on their way to the main hall, but it suited him, and he looked comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that Iroh got the urge to wrap his arms around Bolin. When Bolin turned to face him, however, his expression was weary and Iroh realized it would be best if he didn't try anything of the sort. He had promised himself not to start anything with him, and he needed to stick with his promise, for both their sakes.

"Is this the way to the main hall?" Bolin finally approached him after walking around for a bit.

"Yes, yes it is."

Bolin nodded and tried to move past him. Iroh stopped him with his arm. "You are supposed to wait for Korra. You are in her crew, so you'll be announced together with her and the other people with you."

"I suppose you're more familiar with these types of parties", Bolin muttered and agreed to wait for Korra.

"Yes. I am sometimes expected to attend", Iroh replied and moved his arm from Bolin's chest to behind his own back. He wasn't supposed to give Bolin any hope of reconciliation. Bolin leaned his back on the wall behind him and they waited in silence. People passed them, greeting Iroh on their way. Some of them also greeted Bolin, as they suspected he was someone important if he was in the company of him, but most people probably suspected he was a servant judging from his attire.

It took a while, but finally Iroh's men arrived and he could enter the party. He waved to Bolin in goodbye. Bolin shot him a strange expression, and turned around, leaning his side to the wall, facing away from Iroh.

Iroh's heart sank, but he knew what he had to do, so he stepped in front of his men and motioned them to start walking. A man by the door announced his and his men's names, and they walked through the door with all eyes on them.

An older man in Fire Nation dress walked in front of him, a sight he had not expected. "Grandfather?"


End file.
